Healing autism - No finer a cause on the planet
Healing autism - No finer a cause on the planet |
Some Christmas Humor. (Thanks to Connie Ajay, who stresses, "don't miss the 'Your child might have an IEP…' It is based on the Jeff Foxworthy...'You might be a red neck'...It is so hilarious and soooo true but just not at my IEP's.") #1: We Won't Go (sung to the tune of "Let It Snow") Oh, your party sure sounds delightful, But our child's behavior's frightful, And since we'll just bring you woe, We won't go, we won't go, we won't go. Well, the tantrums he won't be stopping, And we'll chase him 'til we're dropping, He just can't stand the stress, and so We won't go, we won't go, we won't go. If we actually made it there, After miles of yelling and gripes, We would suffer your guests' cruel stares And overhear all of their snipes. Oh, they'd whisper that we're bad parents, And our child is quite aberrant, 'Til our spirits were sunk, and so We won't go, we won't go, we won't go. #2: I'm Dreaming of a Quiet Christmas (sung to the tune of "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas") I'm dreaming of a quiet Christmas Just like the ones I used to know, Without ER dashes, Mysterious rashes, Or kids injured in the snow. I'm dreaming of a quiet Christmas -- With every Christmas card I write, "Our year has been quite a fright! And I hope that Christmas will be quiet." I'm dreaming of a quiet Christmas Without a crisis to control. Let there be no sirens In our environs, No crying children to console. I'm dreaming of a quiet Christmas, Oh, Santa, won't you hear my plea? Make our day peaceful and stress-free -- That's the best gift you could bring me. #3: Too-Silent Night (sung to the tune of "Silent Night") Silent night, Too-silent night, All is calm, Something's not right. Someone's up to some mischief, I think. I smell a rat, and it's starting to stink. I won't get any rest 'Til what they're up to I've guessed. Silent night Sneaky night I'll catch up To those scoundrels alright. Stealing money? Hiding snacks? Forging signatures? Planning attacks? When their plotting has ceased, Then I'll find heavenly peace. #4: Echolalia Bells (sung to the tune of "Jingle Bells") Jingle bells, jingle bells, Jingle all the time. Sing it in the morning, Sing it in bed, Sing it at suppertime. Oh, jingle bells, I hear those bells Constantly, it seems, Every waking moment now And even in my dreams. Jingle bells, jingle bells, Endlessly, that thing! Jingle bells, I've got to yell, Is it all this child can sing? Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, Jingle jingle JING! Oh what pain is in my brain From this endless jingling! #5: We'll Be Ill for Christmas (sung to the tune of "I'll Be Home for Christmas") We'll be ill for Christmas. You can count on that. There'll be snot, Oh, quite a lot, And vomit by the vat. Christmas Eve will find us Fighting with the flu. We'll be ill for Christmas, Contagious and full of goo. We'll be ill for Christmas. Santa, stay away! Don't come near, Bad germs are here, They'll slay you in your sleigh. Leave us meds and tissues, Throw them through the flue. We'll be ill this Christmas, Infectious and feeling blue. #6: Have a Hypoallergenic Christmas (sung to the tune of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas") Have a hypoallergenic Christmas. No gluten for you! Hold the eggs and dairy, hold the peanuts, too. Have a low-carb, diabetic Christmas, Light and sugar-free. No sweet treats, no sugarplums beneath your tree. Here we are, eating carefully. Eating healthfully, for sure. Missing things that aren't good for us, Can be difficult to endure. One day there may be a cure that lets us Eat what we skip now. Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow And have the Christmas a restricted diet allows. #7: Trouble on the Rooftop (sung to the tune of "Up on the Rooftop") Up on the rooftop, what's that then? Our child has escaped again. Out through the window, down the spout How does that little one get out? Uh uh oh! Look at him go! Uh uh oh! Look at her go! Oh, out through the back door Quick as can be, Off down the sidewalk So merrily. Wanders around the neighborhood -- This escaping's just no good. Wanders the highway, goes to town. Call the police to hunt him down. Uh uh oh! Go on home! Uh uh oh! Don't ever roam! Don't sneak up the chimney Or through the dog door Stay in your room Forever more. #8: You Better Watch Out (sung to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town") You better watch out, You better not get Toys that my child's not ready for yet. Ask me for ideas this year. I'm making a list, I'm checking it twice, And if you don't ask, you're naughty not nice, Please take my suggestions this year. Those age-appropriate playthings May fit those "average" tots, But my special little angel Needs a lot of extra thought. You can't catch her up With a puzzle or kit. Why not get a gift That really will fit? We threw out that stuff you bought last year. #9: All I Want for Christmas Is a Good Night's Sleep (sung to the tune of "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth") All I want for Christmas is a good night's sleep, A good night's sleep, a good night's sleep. If I ever got to have a good night's sleep Then I could stay awake for Christmas. All I want for Christmas is my bed to myself Without this intruding little elf. If everyone could stay in their bed by themselves Then I could sleep right straight through Christmas. All I want for Christmas is no "Mommy, please!" "Daddy, come here!" Oh, make it cease. If I could maybe finally have a little peace Then I could remember which day's Christmas. #10: There Goes Routine (sung to the tune of "Here Comes Santa Claus") There goes routine, There goes comfort, There goes therapy. Here comes boredom, Here comes whining, There goes sanity! School break's here And I should cheer The time to spend with my kids. But though I bless Togetherness I feel like I'm losing my wits. But here comes New Year's. Here comes three cheers, Here comes tears of joy. Get the backpacks, Meet the buses, Goodbye, girls and boys! Though it means More homework scenes And teacher battles and such. Ending Christmas break Can make me Love that school so much! Top Ten signs ... that you're going to have a bad IEP meeting By Colleen F. Tomko o 10. The IEP invitation lists "drive-thru" hours. o 9. When you get to the meeting, the staff wants to know what you are doing there. o 8. They give you complimentary white flags and tissues. o 7. Your child's student ID # is 666. o 6. They try to convince you that the attending speech therapist really is the janitor's identical twin. o 5. You find yourself explaining that...the regs say they can use IU's for related services, not I-O-U's. o 4. The special ed coordinator says "Have we got a place for your kid!" o 3. They think "inclusion" is some type of venereal disease. o 2. The staff is bumming because their label maker burned out. o 1. You over hear the staff talking about the Least "resisted" environment. AND Another ten signs that you are going to have a bad IEP meeting. o 10. You are greeted outside the building. o 9. No seat for you at the table. o 8. Everyone is smiling. o 7. The Supt. of Schools calls while you are there. o 6. The Principal announces that she/he will attend the entire meeting. o 5. Everyone tells you that they already know your child. o 4. The Guidance Counselor asks you, again, for your phone number. o 3. Guidance Counselor tells you that they know you don't need another copy of "Guidelines for Special Education." o 2. They act disappointed that your child is not in attendance. o 1. They announce Special Ed kids will now wear uniforms so that the staff can easily identify them and provide all necessary support. ________________________________________ AND YET Another six signs that you are going to have a bad IEP meeting. from NDMommy5@aol.com o 6. when they start the IEP with a prayer o 5. When they ask to update the social history with "There haven't been any more children ..........have there?" o 4. when you have your own coffee mug in the conference room o 3. when the chairman knows how you like your coffee, prepares your coffee ....Then sniffs it first!! o 2. when they start the meeting by explaining that the teacher's union will absorb any costs that your homeowners will not cover regarding the therapy needed by the last classroom teacher o 1. The REAL trouble occurs when the chairman goes to straighten his tie AND THERE IS NO REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR One more sign you are going to have a bad IEP meeting by Mary Putt o Also I think you know you're going to have a bad IEP meeting when the principal arrives wearing so much power jewelry you mistake it for body armor. "...Your child might have an IEP." In talking with families many seemed confused about whether their child had an IEP through the school. To assist families in determining whether their child has an IEP, we felt it would be helpful to apply the Foxworthy test. o If you have ever attended a meeting at school with 25 professionals... your child might have an IEP. o If you are the only one wearing jeans.... your child might have an IEP. o If these professionals speak a different language.... your child might have an IEP. o If the meeting room was the size of a closet... your child might have an IEP. o If you have ever been asked, "do you think your child is the only one in the district?"...your child might have an IEP. o If you have ever heard, "we do not have money for that!"... your child might have an IEP. o If you have ever been called an "overprotective, hysterical parent" or an "uninvolved parent"... your child might have an IEP. o If you have ever been told your child "will just grow out of it", "is lazy", "slow", irresponsible", "immature and/or sensitive" etc...etc... your child might have an IEP. o If you feel you have walked into "Assertiveness Training 101" by accident...your child might have an IEP. o If you have ever been screamed at by a school official...your child might have an IEP. o If you have ever been told your child will be lucky to grow up and dig ditches...your child might have an IEP. o If it has ever been suggested to move to another District...your child might have an IEP. o If you have ever been invited to home school your child... your child might have an IEP. o If you have ever called the school and asked for your child and were told "we do not have anyone here by that name..." your child might have an IEP. o If your family is ever discussed in the teachers lounge... your child might have an IEP. o If every time you call the school board office, the person you need to talk to is in a meeting...you might have an IEP. o If a meeting with the school has ever been rescheduled more than twice to the time you definitely can not come...your child might have an IEP. o If you have ever been patted on the shoulder and called "honey" by the principal...your child might have an IEP. o If it has ever been suggested all your child needs is a "good spanking to straighten him/her up..." your child might have an IEP. o If you have been asked by a teacher to "just sign it!"... your child definitely has an IEP... o If you have ever been called Ms Whitesomething... your child might have an IEP. o If you know your advocate's phone and fax number by heart...your child might have an IEP. o If you have ever been forced into due process, state court, the district court of appeals, federal court, or the federal circuit court on a fast track to the US Supreme Court... your child might have an IEP. o If you are known as a due process queen... your child might have an IEP. o If you can quote federal statutes in your sleep...your child might have an IEP. o If you have ever requested your child's records and it took two years to receive them...your child might have an IEP. o If you have ever been told, the district doesn't care if you sign the IEP or not, services have ceased...your child might have an IEP. o If you have crossed out the words "Procedural Safeguards" on your copy and written in "Procedural Land Mines"... I know I have...then your child definitely has an IEP...for what it's worth. o If a new teacher went to pull your child's cumulative records and had to make two trips to get it; your child might have an IEP/ You've been through a Due Process. o Your child might have an IEP/ you've been through a Due Process if [enter state DOE legal head here] knows you. o Your child might have an IEP/you've been through a Due Process if you sign all your letters, " I look forward to your written response on or before ten (10) business days." Lenny Schafer, editor@sarnet.org The Schafer Autism Report is a non-profit corporation. sarnet.org |
